Well, here it is, my first blog post. I have been debating on using this as a platform to sort my thoughts, but I thought, "Why not?". Let me forewarn you that this blog is not going to be pretty. I want to express my raw thoughts in the most open way possible. I will keep names and specific information private. I need to vent my dear friends. Please bare with me, and I hope maybe someone out there can relate so I don't feel like a crazy person.
"If two past lovers can remain friends, either they never were in love or they still are."
What is your opinion on that statement? I know there will be a few people out there saying that the have a beautiful amicable relationship with their ex, and that people need to learn to move on and blah blah blah...but let me at least give you my perspective on this matter.
The primary character in this ridiculous story that is my life, we are going to refer to him from here-on out as "B". Though I would like to sit here and explain the entire timeline of our tumultuous relationship, I will need topics for later blogs, so for now, let me just give you a brief summary. B and I have known each other for our entire lives. His parents were friends with my parents before we were born, and our families have always kept in touch (even though they moved around a lot). When we were 16, our paths crossed again, but this time we fell deeply in love with each other. We eventually broke up due to the distance, but have kept in touch for all of these years. But, don't take this as "Oh, that's nice that they keep in touch. Probably send each other Christmas cards and maybe wish them 'Happy Birthday'." No. Not at all. We are talking MAJOR mixed messages here people...anyway...I came across this quote and it struck a nerve with me.
I do not understand the way that B thinks. Well, I do sometimes, but in regards to me, no. B is in a serious relationship now. B seems to be fairly happy with the life that he has now. So, why...WHY...still talk to me? Which side of the fence is B on?...are we such good friends that he truly only sees me as a plutonic person to catch up with, or does he still love me?
About two weeks ago, I was sitting at home alone, when I looked over at my phone and B had texted me. He generally just makes small talk for a while and then will say something confusing and then just stop. This time though, he told me that he wanted me to watch a movie. "Oblivion" to be exact. I just so happened to have this movie at my house and had not watched it, so I told him I would put it in. Throughout the movie he would ask me what part I was watching. **SPOILER** The movie is about a man who ends up getting his memory erased but still remembers his long-lost lover. (There's other parts about clones and stuff, but yeah.) So then, at the end of the movie Tom Cruise has this quote,
“If we have souls, they're made of the love we share. Undimmed by time, unbound by death.”
"I wonder, if I come to you, at night - in dreams, in the day - as memories. Do I haunt your hours the way you haunted mine? And I wonder if you see me, when you look at her."
I already am a little suspiciouos as to why B thinks that I should watch this movie (it's not really my style), but then he texts me and says, "There is a deeper meaning to this movie..." My heart always races when he says things like that...so I ask him, "So, what is the deeper meaning to this movie?" and guess what, haven't heard from him since.
Really, dude? Really? Must we always play this game. Some days I want to just text him and tell him to leave me alone, but the problem with that is that I still love it when he texts me. I still love hearing from him, even for a little while. I still love him.
I don't know, friends. Am I reading too much into this? Maybe I'm just crazy. But I do know one thing...this is why I called this blog Repetition.