Fire Starter

Fire Starter

Hello, my dearest readers! It's a miserably depressing day outside so why not write a blog and shake off some of these feelings that I caught. B and I have been texting each other a lot lately. I can tell that he is sad about something but I feel like we both walk on eggshells when we talk to each other, so it's hard to find out what is going on with him. I really don't know what he thinks of me. Most of the time we have standard conversations about our mundane lives, but then every once in a while he will slip something in about how lonely he his, and how much he appreciates talking to me. Some days I want so badly to break down and tell him that I still love him, but I will always bite my tongue because I would rather talk to him about the mundane than not talk to him at all.

Let's start off with today's quote.

      "One of the crulest things a person can do is to awaken someone's love without the intention of truly loving them."

Ouch, right? Now, I am going to tell you a little story to give you some insight. 

 

B and I broke up after about a year of dating. We would have spurts of talking and flirting but nothing very serious. Eventually, B and stopped talking to be and I was beginning to move on. Then, when I was 18 years old, B was in Military training. I got a message out of the blue that he would like me to come to his graduation. All of the sudden, my feelings came rushing back to me at the thought of seeing him again. With our relationship being long-distance, I never had to worry about running into him at the local grocery store. We had only seen each other once since breaking up, and that was at his sister's wedding...and it was a terribly awkard, uncomfortable time. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to go but, because I was young and dumb and still in love, I agreed. He would be in training for 6 months. B messaged me every single day for 6 months. He would tell me everything, from his deepest fears to what color his socks were. He would tell me how beautiful I was. He even sent me our song. We were so close to each other and I finally felt so connected to him. We even had a conversation about me moving to where he would be living and he said that we would talk about it when I went out to his graduation. 

 

The day finally came, I drove for 15 hours to come to a tiny base to see B. I had every outfit planned out, and every word that I wanted to say was running through my head. I met up with his mom and sister and was so excited. I imagined that when I saw B, he would sweep me up off of my feet and kiss me and we would ride off into the sunset together (or something like that...I know it's cheesey, bear with me!) 

 

But...that didn't happen. In fact, that was the time that B broke my heart the most. B was so cold and withdrawn from me. I was there to see him for 3 days and he said maybe 10 words to me. I would try to get something out of him, but nothing. I was so confused and hurt. Why would he make me drive all the way here to ignore me? Finally, we were in the car alone together and I got up the nerve to confront him. I am not the type to ever have any confrontation  "B, you said we were going to talk about being together, and now you won't even look at me? B, what is going on? What did I do to change this?" ...and he just turned the volume up on the radio.

 

I had never been more heartbroken in my 18 years. He was not only someone that I loved but he had become my very best friend, and I could not believe that happened. I drove 15 hours home, crying my eyes out, not knowing where to go from there. So, I picked myself up, I wrote B a letter and told him that he would never hear from me again. 

Now, don't lose heart, my dear readers. This is not the end of my story. It sure felt like it though. 

 

Back to our quote for the day...in my humble opinion, leading someone on is just about the lowest thing you can do to a person. I don't care if it gives you a little ego boost now and then, you are messing with someone's life.

 

Wish I could have learned that lesson the easy way.

 

With love,

 

J <3

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